Apple-y Ever After: Stress Mess and Grief

I suppose I owe you an apology for the (probably unnoticeable) lack of posting on my end. What can I say - life has just gotten in the way of blogging. We have had a busy past year, including lots of travel, moving, new jobs, and acquiring a pup. It isn't just that, though. For some reason, I feel protective over our wedding. I haven't really found words to express what an incredible, awesome (in the literal sense of the word) feeling it is to be surrounded by nearly all of your closest family and friends. How it feels to enter into such a sacred union with the person you love most in the world. I know it sounds cliche, but it was the best day of my life, and I can't imagine that my pitiful words will do it justice. I have just wanted to wrap the memories of our day around myself, like a warm blanket. I selfishly didn't want to share them with anyone that isn't my husband. Is that strange? Possibly. But it was the start of my marriage, and it just felt too deeply personal to share. At least right away. But now, I am ready. 

Before I get back into the meat of my recaps, though, I want to write a post about how crazy and stressed I was before the wedding. Because, well, it was slightly all-consuming to me at the time. Sorry - it's a big ol' wall of text, so feel free to skip past if you don't want hearing about how insane I was. I understand. I don't really want to read about it either.

As some of you may recall, my grandfather passed away the week before our wedding. I don't need to go into the details of my grief because 1. I imagine most of you know how it feels, and 2. I am honestly still dealing with it. But let's just say that it involved lots of crying in the shower, crying while doing the dishes, crying while writing my blog post. Lots of crying. Lots of remembering. Lots of smiling at old pictures. Lots of thanking God that I had such a wonderful grandfather that had an active part in my life. Needless to say, it was a difficult time. I will be honest: his passing put a little black cloud over the week leading up to the wedding. It was supposed to be such a happy time, and I felt a large amount of grief and guilt over the entire thing. But, the show must go on, and what better way to celebrate someone's wonderful, long life than with a new marriage?

Personal Photo, circa 2006

It did turn out to be somewhat of a blessing in disguise, though, as horrible as that sounds. You see, due to my grandfather's passing, several family members who had previously RSVP'd "no" to attend the wedding decided that they would, indeed, be able to attend after all, so that they could also attend my grandfather's memorial. My family joked that he planned it that way all along, so that we could all be together to celebrate. There wasn't anything my grandfather loved more than being surrounded by his family.

As happy as I was that the additional people would be able to come, this meant that not only was I dealing with my own sense of loss and grief, but I was also dealing with those inevitable wedding stresses that somehow seem to pop up in those final weeks leading up to the wedding. The main source of stress? Our table numbers and escort cards had been sent from Twin Ravens Press to our wonderful calligrapher, and she had started working on the cards already.

Before leaving for Seattle, Mr. CA and I had spent hours agonizing over the seating chart for the reception. We tried to seat people with friends and family that they would feel comfortable with, and it turned out that we had exactly the right amount of seats for each table. It worked out perfectly. Everything was settled. Until we had those additional family members decide to come. I do not want anyone to get me wrong: I was very happy that they were able to come after all (so so happy!). But their attendance bumped up our guest count (obviously) which meant that we had to add another table or try to squeeze additional people into the existing tables. Which our venue coordinator informed us was not feasible. I don't deal with last-minute changes well. Cue bridal panic.

Thankfully, I had included an extra arrangement on the contract with our florist (in case of emergencies - phew! Actually, we had ended up cutting a table and I forgot to alter the contract. Yay for happy forgetfulness!), and our meal counts weren't due until a few days before our wedding. So those things were not affected by the additional people. However, that added table gave me serious stress. The thought of having to re-do all of the tables, escort cards, etc. made me sick to my stomach. Literally. After our final meeting with our priest, I was so stressed out that I was dry-heaving on our walk to lunch. Dry-heaving. In public. With people around. In the middle of the street. Over tables. Yep.

At that point, Mr. CA stepped in. I don't think he had realized how stressed out I was until that point when I almost vomited on the sidewalk in front of him. He couldn't understand why I was so stressed and, looking back, I am incredibly embarrassed at how much this situation stressed me out. Like, really embarrassed. Why did I let such a little, unimportant thing get to me? Mr. CA got me seated at lunch, forced me to drink water and have a few bites of food, and gently helped shoulder the burden. He made me see that yes, we had extra people coming. But that didn't necessarily mean that we had to re-do all of the tables or escort cards. And it definitely shouldn't be making me stressed to the point of dry-heaving. It was just one party, after all. Not even a full day.

So we handled it. Together. With much less stress. We added another table but rather than shifting everything around, we simply created another "Table 3." Our escort cards and table numbers arrived the next day and, with the additional paper Kristin letter-pressed (thank God we had extra!), I made another Table 3 sign. This meant that there were two Table 3s right next to each other at the reception. It was fine, though - I simply added a small "a" and "b" to the backs of the table numbers, and the backs of the corresponding escort cards. I asked my mom to just spread the word with her family that there were two Table 3s so that no one was confused. It cracks me up to this day when I see our wedding pictures, because the photographers ended up snapping a picture of the "Table 3" table number that I crappily did in my regular black ink, rather than the nice Table 3 that the calligrapher did in pretty green ink. Ha. I laugh every time I see this picture. (I'm so sorry, Michele!!)

Letterpress by Kristin at Twin Ravens Press. Last-minute calligraphy attempt by yours truly, horribly copied from Calligraphy by Michele.

I suppose the happy ending of the story is that after Mr. CA sat me down for lunch and we talked about the arrangements and how panicked and crazed and ridiculous I was, all of my stress melted away. Things were under control. And even if they weren't, it didn't matter (much). What mattered was that we were getting married and our friends and family were there to celebrate with us. Everything else would fall into place. Even if it didn't, it would be okay. Mr. CA was there to help me through it.

And yes, everything worked out in the end. Duh. Of course it did! It always does. Ultimately, I was just so happy all of that side of my family could be there to celebrate and spend time together remembering my grandfather. The added stress (and yes, even the dry-heaving) was worth it, but pretty silly in hindsight. Looking back now I honestly can't believe how stressed out I got over something so small-fry in the grand scheme of things. I am so grateful that I have Mr. CA right by my side, calling me out on my cray and helping me through the rough patches. And yes, holding my hair as I dry-heaved into the bushes on a side-street in Capitol Hill.

In the throes of planning, did you get stressed about things that later on seemed minor and unimportant? Anyone else have lovely dry-heaving episodes like yours truly?

First, we showered. Tea-party style.
Recaps commenced. Sort of.
 I got over my dress regret.
We made it official. Legally.

**All photography by Sarah Rhoads Photography unless otherwise noted**

New Blog!

Well, it is still very much a work in progress, but going forward I will be blogging at Notes from an Anyone.

Yay! Mainly the change is driven by my desire to not have my name plastered across my blog's url. A girl's gotta keep some things private, ya know.

Anyway, I'm hoping to make some updates to the new blog over the coming months so that it looks a wee bit more pretty. I can't decide if I want to continue my recaps here or move them over. Probably the latter.

Should be fun! Horray for change.

Apple-y Ever After: Licensed to Wed

All right, now that we've talked about dress regret, let's get back to the week of the wedding!

After the shower on Sunday, I felt like we were just constantly moving up to the wedding. Since we had a semi "destination" wedding (for us, at least), that meant we had lots of last-minute things to do and vendor meetings to take care of. My to-do list was packed, and we ran around like chickens with our heads cut off. We were just going going going non-stop. I sort of liked it and sort of felt like my head would explode. It was a love-hate relationship.

First stop? Obtaining our marriage license!

Personal Photo. Clearly.

Since a Washington State marriage license requires a three-day waiting period, I made sure that we went in first thing on Monday morning so that the license was valid by our wedding on Friday. I am paranoid and didn't want something like our license to get overlooked in all the mayhem leading up to the big day! Once it was done, I could check that off and not worry about it. Overall, our experience getting the license was quick and painless. I was pleasantly surprised! And not having to deal with license drama made a stressful week slightly less stressful.

Some notes/advice/musings/pearls of wisdom about marriage licenses:

- Window of Validity: Check your state and county's policies on this. You will want to know ahead of time if there is a waiting period for the license to become valid, and you will also want to make sure that you do not get your license too far in advance!

As you can see in the image above, the license we got on that day (Monday, August 22) would be valid for a wedding performed between August 25 and October 23.

- Money: Again, check with your specific state and county on this. The Downtown Seattle location requires $64 in cash. Other locations may accept cash or checks, or maybe even credit cards. It would be no fun to arrive at your nearest location (particularly if you are far away from the licensing place) without the proper form of payment!

- Documentation: The only documentation that Washington State required when we filled in our application was a photo id for both of us. However, I believe that other states may require birth certificates, blood tests, witnesses, and/or divorce papers (if applicable).

- Location: For destination brides, you will want to check on where you should physically obtain your marriage license. I think generally you obtain the license where the ceremony takes place (but may be wrong, so please check!). So, even though we were living in New Jersey, we obtained a Washington State marriage license since that is where our wedding took place.

Considering both location and window of validity requirements, destination brides (and any other bride, for that matter!) will need to do their homework on marriage licenses ahead of time. You would not want to get to the location of your destination wedding only to find out that you do not have enough time for a marriage license to become valid. Yikes.

- Timing: Since we went in early on a Monday morning, the office was pretty empty. We went right up to the window, got our forms, filled them out, went back up to the window, and got our license. Easy peasy. We were in and out in about 15 minutes, if that.

However, I know that this is certainly not always the case! Even as we were leaving, a long line was starting to form. If you don't get there right when the office opens, make sure that you budget plenty of time to wait in line and fill in the proper forms.


- On the big day, remember your license! I know it seems silly to remind you, but wedding days can be hectic. Put someone in charge of remembering to bring the license to the church/wedding location and having the officiant sign it.

Thankfully, our priest took our license from us in our last meeting prior to the wedding and brought it to the ceremony, making sure we signed it directly afterwards. We were lucky that he was so on top of things!


- Submitting your License: Once your license is signed by you officiant, it will need to be submitted in order for it to be officially entered into the county's records. Our priest actually took care of all this, so we didn't need to deal with it (Did I mention that he was awesome?!). Definitely check to see if your officiant will handle submitting the license, or if you will need to do so. If your officiant handles it, you may want to follow up on it after a month to ensure that everything is set. If you need to do so, try to address the envelope ahead of time, or put someone else in charge of this, so that you don't have to deal with it after the wedding (particularly if you are going on your honeymoon directly afterwards!).

- Copies: I highly recommend obtaining official copies of your license. This is particularly important if you are planning on taking part in the Name Change Game, during which you will CONSTANTLY need to show people the certificate in order to prove that you can legally change your name. It is exhausting! But even if you aren't, it is just good to have this documentation on-hand. I purchased 4 official copies (yep, I'm insane), and they have been incredibly handy during the whole Name Change Game process (particularly since most places require official copies, rather than copies you make on a photocopier). Depending on your state/county, it can take them a few weeks to a month to process your paperwork and get you officially in the system, so just keep that in mind before you go to your local office to obtain copies.

And that's about all of the advice I have! Really, you should check your state's rules on licenses because I've found that it really varied from place to place. For more information on obtaining a King County marriage license, there is tons of information here. And for information on same-sex marriages in Washington State (YEAH!), go here.

Did you have any issues obtaining your marriage license, or was your experience as smooth as ours? Any other nuggets of wisdom you can share?

 

First, we showered. Tea-party style.
Recaps commenced. Sort of.
 I got over my dress regret.

Apple-y Ever After: Dress Regret, and Other Stories

Before I get into the thick of my recaps, I want to back it up a bit (back, back, back it up!!) to early August when I was home for my fab bachelorette party. We need to discuss my wedding dress. My fabulous, gorgeous wedding dress.

While I was in Seattle for the bach, as usual I knocked out two wedding tasks with one plane ticket (or however the saying goes) and scheduled my final dress fitting for that same weekend - it would be the last time I was in town prior to the wedding and I wanted to be sure that any changes that needed to be made were done in time for the wedding.

Those ruffles! Sigh.

I tried on the dress a total of three times (including when I first laid eyes on that baby) prior to the wedding. As you may recall, I initially tried on my dress on a bit of a whim - it didn't fit my original dress aesthetic, but I saw it in the window and thought it would be a fun dress to try on. It was so crazy sexy cool! And different from most other wedding dresses I had seen. Lo and behold, I loved how it looked when I tried it on and it fit like a dream right then and there off the rack. I was smitten! So I bought it.

Now, let's get real here. After I had purchased the dress and went in again to have it fitted, I had some serious wedding dress regret. As you can see, my dress is, well, ruffly. Fluffy. Froofy. Puffy. Not your typical, classic wedding dress.

It wasn't that I didn't like the dress the second time I tried it on, but I got really worried that Mr. CA wouldn't like the dress. Nagging doubts kept creeping into my mind: He's going to think it's too froofy. He's going to think it's too ruffly. He's going to think it's not classic enough. He's going to think I look silly. He's going to hate it.

Look at all that ruffly fabulousness.

I hold Mr. CA's opinions very highly and I was worried that he was going to think I looked hideous and silly on our wedding day. I worried that I would look back at pictures and think how dated the dress looked. It was not a fun feeling, particularly after my mom had spent so much money on the dress. I wanted to be in love with my dress, but it was hard when I thought Mr. CA wouldn't like it. I kept my worries to myself, but they lingered in the back of my mind.

Needless to say, I was a bit apprehensive when I went in for my final fitting. In fact, I was dreading it. But you know what? When I went in that last time and they tucked the veil into my hair, and I slipped my feet into those sparkly Kate Spade beauties, and I wiggled into that frothy confection of a dress? I loved it. I absolutely loved it. I felt like a princess. A bride.

And after that, I realized something. Something that all of the wedding blogs and inspiration photos and pretty pictures had clouded in my wedding-inspiration-addled brain. I knew that Mr. CA would love me in that dress on our wedding day because guess what? I loved it and I thought I looked pretty smokin' in it. Yep, I did. I said it. I looked like a bride. A real bride. And ultimately I knew it wouldn't matter what I was wearing on our wedding day - Mr. CA would say his vows to me if we were both wearing paper bags and he would still be the happiest man alive because he loves me that damn much.

 We replaced the brooch that came with the dress with one my mom let me borrow - my "something borrowed!" Silver and pearls from Japan, given to her when she was living there.

 Wedding dress bliss. I think I'm demonstrating the froofy-ness of the ruffles for Mom CA and MOH. That, or saying "get in mah bellay!"

 MOH attempting to bustle all of those ruffles. Tough job!!

 Vogue.

Happiness!! With my sister and my mommy.

 Did I mention that I flippin' loved my veil? Yeah. I flippin' loved my veil. 

Did I mention that I flippin' loved my dress? Yeah. I flippin' loved my dress.

 On the bridal salon's awesome runway. Happy girl!

Just remember that. If you get stressed about your weight, or you start having whispering doubts about your dress, or you decide to go with something a little different and crazy for your big day, just remember that what matters is you and your partner getting up there and vowing to stick it through for better or for worse. What you're wearing doesn't matter in the end.

What matters is that you pick a dress that you feel awesome in, a dress that makes you smile. That happiness will shine through on your wedding day. And guess what? Mr. CA loved my dress.

Did you have dress regret? Were you able to get over it, or did you decide to go with another dress? Anyone else out there go with mega-ruffles?

 

First, we showered. Tea-party style.

Recaps commenced. Sort of.

**All photography in this post is personal**

Apple-y Ever After: It Begins

Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up, it's RECAP TIME! 

 Hive, are you ready?

 

First, we showered. Tea-party style.

**All photography by Sarah Rhoads Photography unless otherwise noted**

New Years 2012

I always love the start of a New Year. So much promise, anticipation. Excitement. 2011 was amazing - we got married, moved to DC, took lots of trips, and generally settled in to married life. We had several hard losses as well, which I suppose will become a part of life as we get older. 

Sorry the blog has been a bit neglected - lots going on this past fall! Hopefully life will settle down soon.

 

I am looking forward to seeing what 2012 brings. I am ready.

A Candied Shower

I actually wasn't sure I was going to have a shower for the wedding. My amazing aunt threw me a family shower (complete with ornaments and undies for the gifts!) while I was home last Christmas, which was a lot of fun! I would have called it a day at that. But apparently my mom and BMs had other plans.

As you may have gathered from my bachelorette party in Victoria, BC, I like tea. A lot. And I like tea parties even more. So, of course, my lovely BMs and aunt decided to throw a beautiful tea-themed shower in my honor. They seriously rock. Have I mentioned how much I love my family and friends?

First, let's look at this cake that BM L made. She made it. For real. It is a tea pot. A tea pot cake. Yes, she is ridiculously talented.

And not only did it look ridiculously cool, it also tasted delicious. 

Don't worry - that's not spam on the cheese plate. It's just some sort of pretty, pink champagne cheese that they bought because it matched the pink cake.

Mmm, delicious beautiful cupcakes that, again, BM L made. She is a domestic goddess.

A close-up of the tea pot cake. So cute!

I love these tea cups. We have a ton of my grandma's old tea cups that they brought out for the occasion. Okay, I had actually brought them out before, so that I could use them as centerpieces for our cocktail-hour tables, but you get the idea.

Aren't they fun? I think my favorite was the lily of the valley tea cup.

Basically, we ate delicious food and cake, laughed and caught up, opened presents, and played a cute shower game.

A few of my favorite people in the entire world: 

BM M, Aunt S, BM L, Mom CA, MIL, CA, BM C, and Step-Mom CA 

(Oh yeah, and Mr. CA stopped by with flowers. We forgot to snap a pic, though! Oopsie.)

They threw the shower for me the Sunday before our wedding, which I was hesitant about at first. I didn't want to be a burden to people who were already helping so much with the wedding! However, it really ended up being such a great time to relax and catch up with my friends and family. It was a very quiet time, and I was so glad that I could talk with everyone outside of the crazy wedding environment. It made me a bit less stressed out and fortified me for the week to come! The champagne helped, too. As did the cake.

Did you have a shower that was close to the day of the wedding? Did it help you de-stress before all of the wedding chaos started? Was your shower a 'theme' shower, or was the theme simply 'yay you're getting married'?? 

Then the Letting Go

I have been meaning to write this post for a while now, but have found myself groping for words that truly convey what I am trying to get across. It's a bit of a heavy topic and I am honestly finding it difficult to calcify my thoughts into a coherent chunk of writing. So, I have been putting off the writing of the post. However, the recent news of Kim Kardashian's filing for divorce after a mere 72 days of marriage (72!), spurred me into action. 72 days. That's only four days longer than Mr. CA and I have been married. In our 68 days of marriage, I feel like we have not even scratched the surface of our love, our relationship, our marriage - 72 days is just a blip in the radar of life, really.

Reading about K's plans for divorce, part of a NY Times article really hit me, and at first I wasn't sure why:

"...the fake reality of television shows that place more importance on a lavish wedding than on a lasting marriage."

This. Exactly this. How dare she make a mockery of the institution of marriage? How dare she focus so much on the wedding and not on her relationship? How can they even know after 72 days of marriage if they could make things work or not?

I suppose that what has been bothering me about the whole debacle, and why the quote hit me so hard was this: the situation actually reminds me a lot of the wedding planning process these days. It reminds me of my own experience with wedding planning. Why? Because I think we're placing too much importance on our weddings.

Now, before you come after me with pitch forks and torches, let me explain. I love looking through wedding sites for inspiration, projects, and ideas. There is so much information out there for frazzled brides trying to find their way in wedding planning and I. love. it. I obsessed over things like flowers and cake flavors just as much as the next bride.

But, I also know how easy it is to get caught up in all of the details, all of the planning, just for one day. I know how it is to look at blogs and think, wow, my wedding will never be that beautiful. Do you want to know something sad? Throughout my planning, I kept thinking I need to do this to optimize pictures from the wedding day, and even found myself thinking our wedding will not be good enough for our photographer.

What the hell? Why did I think these things?? Who was I trying to impress with my wedding? Why did I feel like my wedding wouldn't be good enough for our photographer?? Something is very, very wrong here. Looking back, it just seems so ridiculous, but with all of the inspiration shots of perfect weddings and photo shoots, it is hard to remind yourself that really it's just a day, and that day doesn't have to be perfect. Instead, that day should be focused on you, your husband/wife, and your love for each other. Not on the flowers, or the cake, or the photography.

You can spend as much or as little time as you want planning - working out details and seeing your vision for your wedding come to life is so much fun! I just worry that brides (and some grooms) feel caught up in the mentality that they have to spend mountains of time and stress and thought on planning one day. That they have to do certain things a certain way and they have to achieve a certain look. You don't. Weddings are a celebration of love; everything else is just an added bonus.

I am so glad that throughout our engagement, Mr. CA and I took the time to focus on our relationship. We took time out for ourselves, we did our homework and watched Fireproof, we went through our pre-marital counseling and a Pre-Cana course, we went out for dinners together. We reminded ourselves that we were planning a wedding, but we were also planning for a lifetime of commitment to each other. A lifetime of fun and laughter, yes, but also a lifetime of give and take, of compromising, of sacrificing, of working really freaking hard on our relationship. Because honestly, marriage won't always be easy. You won't always feel like the perfect couple, answers and fights won't always be easily resolved, and you will probably find yourselves in tough situations making hard decisions at some point or another. You may even find yourself questioning your relationship. Let me repeat: it will not always be easy.

During the planning, I ended up letting things go. Did I want to do a hundred DIY projects? Yes. Did I accomplish those hundred DIY projects? No. I did a few, but for the most part I asked myself "will I look back on my wedding in 30 years and be upset by the lack of signage for the bathroom, or sad that I did not personally hand craft our chair covers?" The answer was no. It was not worth the stress to me. Instead, I stopped looking online for inspiration and focused on cultivating our relationship, on looking forward to our vows and marriage. 

At the end of the day, our wedding was a pretty kick-ass party (if I do say so myself). Everything looked beautiful, and I was so happy with how things came together. Yes, even the little details that I had agonized over. Did everything go perfectly as-planned? Nope. Did the details matter? Ultimately, no. It was fun to plan them and totally rewarding to see how everything came together when I walked through the doors into our reception, but ultimately they are just place cards and table numbers. All of this stress over making everything perfect for one day is not worth it. I could have married Mr. CA under a bridge wearing a paper bag and we would still be together today after 68 days of marriage. 

I am not, of course, telling you to stop looking at wedding sites. Far from it! I love the inspiration as much as the next bride, and I love seeing what other people came up with for their weddings. But just keep in mind that your engagement should be a fun and happy and reflective time, not stressful.

Things do not have to be completely perfect for your wedding. Let things go that aren't necessary. Remember to focus your energy on building and strengthening your marriage, not on cake that will be eaten by the end of the night or place cards that will be tossed.

Ultimately, try not to compare your wedding to others. If you don't want to do tons of DIY projects, then don't do them. If you want to, that's awesome! I bow down to you, oh DIY goddesses. Just don't feel like you have to because everyone else is. People have been getting married for years and years without stressing over the signature cocktail or how to make the perfect headpiece or doing a million DIY projects, so if you decide to forgo that (we did!), you will be okay. In five years, no one will care that you didn't have flowers in the church or that you didn't have a custom hand-drawn invitation. If you did, great; if you didn't, great.

Enough babbling. Really, though, I am just trying to tell you that your wedding can be as simple or as elaborate as you want. Spend time on the things you care about and let the other stuff go - wedding planning shouldn't eat you alive. Your focus is better spent on your upcoming commitment to your significant other. Never forget that, and never forget what the day is truly about.

Have you found yourself caught up in all of the details for the wedding? Have you been able to keep an eye on the bigger picture of marriage throughout your planning? Did you find yourself thinking my wedding isn't good enough like I did? And, on a lighter note, have you been following the whole Kardashian situation? What are your thoughts on their 72 day marriage?