Then the Letting Go

I have been meaning to write this post for a while now, but have found myself groping for words that truly convey what I am trying to get across. It's a bit of a heavy topic and I am honestly finding it difficult to calcify my thoughts into a coherent chunk of writing. So, I have been putting off the writing of the post. However, the recent news of Kim Kardashian's filing for divorce after a mere 72 days of marriage (72!), spurred me into action. 72 days. That's only four days longer than Mr. CA and I have been married. In our 68 days of marriage, I feel like we have not even scratched the surface of our love, our relationship, our marriage - 72 days is just a blip in the radar of life, really.

Reading about K's plans for divorce, part of a NY Times article really hit me, and at first I wasn't sure why:

"...the fake reality of television shows that place more importance on a lavish wedding than on a lasting marriage."

This. Exactly this. How dare she make a mockery of the institution of marriage? How dare she focus so much on the wedding and not on her relationship? How can they even know after 72 days of marriage if they could make things work or not?

I suppose that what has been bothering me about the whole debacle, and why the quote hit me so hard was this: the situation actually reminds me a lot of the wedding planning process these days. It reminds me of my own experience with wedding planning. Why? Because I think we're placing too much importance on our weddings.

Now, before you come after me with pitch forks and torches, let me explain. I love looking through wedding sites for inspiration, projects, and ideas. There is so much information out there for frazzled brides trying to find their way in wedding planning and I. love. it. I obsessed over things like flowers and cake flavors just as much as the next bride.

But, I also know how easy it is to get caught up in all of the details, all of the planning, just for one day. I know how it is to look at blogs and think, wow, my wedding will never be that beautiful. Do you want to know something sad? Throughout my planning, I kept thinking I need to do this to optimize pictures from the wedding day, and even found myself thinking our wedding will not be good enough for our photographer.

What the hell? Why did I think these things?? Who was I trying to impress with my wedding? Why did I feel like my wedding wouldn't be good enough for our photographer?? Something is very, very wrong here. Looking back, it just seems so ridiculous, but with all of the inspiration shots of perfect weddings and photo shoots, it is hard to remind yourself that really it's just a day, and that day doesn't have to be perfect. Instead, that day should be focused on you, your husband/wife, and your love for each other. Not on the flowers, or the cake, or the photography.

You can spend as much or as little time as you want planning - working out details and seeing your vision for your wedding come to life is so much fun! I just worry that brides (and some grooms) feel caught up in the mentality that they have to spend mountains of time and stress and thought on planning one day. That they have to do certain things a certain way and they have to achieve a certain look. You don't. Weddings are a celebration of love; everything else is just an added bonus.

I am so glad that throughout our engagement, Mr. CA and I took the time to focus on our relationship. We took time out for ourselves, we did our homework and watched Fireproof, we went through our pre-marital counseling and a Pre-Cana course, we went out for dinners together. We reminded ourselves that we were planning a wedding, but we were also planning for a lifetime of commitment to each other. A lifetime of fun and laughter, yes, but also a lifetime of give and take, of compromising, of sacrificing, of working really freaking hard on our relationship. Because honestly, marriage won't always be easy. You won't always feel like the perfect couple, answers and fights won't always be easily resolved, and you will probably find yourselves in tough situations making hard decisions at some point or another. You may even find yourself questioning your relationship. Let me repeat: it will not always be easy.

During the planning, I ended up letting things go. Did I want to do a hundred DIY projects? Yes. Did I accomplish those hundred DIY projects? No. I did a few, but for the most part I asked myself "will I look back on my wedding in 30 years and be upset by the lack of signage for the bathroom, or sad that I did not personally hand craft our chair covers?" The answer was no. It was not worth the stress to me. Instead, I stopped looking online for inspiration and focused on cultivating our relationship, on looking forward to our vows and marriage. 

At the end of the day, our wedding was a pretty kick-ass party (if I do say so myself). Everything looked beautiful, and I was so happy with how things came together. Yes, even the little details that I had agonized over. Did everything go perfectly as-planned? Nope. Did the details matter? Ultimately, no. It was fun to plan them and totally rewarding to see how everything came together when I walked through the doors into our reception, but ultimately they are just place cards and table numbers. All of this stress over making everything perfect for one day is not worth it. I could have married Mr. CA under a bridge wearing a paper bag and we would still be together today after 68 days of marriage. 

I am not, of course, telling you to stop looking at wedding sites. Far from it! I love the inspiration as much as the next bride, and I love seeing what other people came up with for their weddings. But just keep in mind that your engagement should be a fun and happy and reflective time, not stressful.

Things do not have to be completely perfect for your wedding. Let things go that aren't necessary. Remember to focus your energy on building and strengthening your marriage, not on cake that will be eaten by the end of the night or place cards that will be tossed.

Ultimately, try not to compare your wedding to others. If you don't want to do tons of DIY projects, then don't do them. If you want to, that's awesome! I bow down to you, oh DIY goddesses. Just don't feel like you have to because everyone else is. People have been getting married for years and years without stressing over the signature cocktail or how to make the perfect headpiece or doing a million DIY projects, so if you decide to forgo that (we did!), you will be okay. In five years, no one will care that you didn't have flowers in the church or that you didn't have a custom hand-drawn invitation. If you did, great; if you didn't, great.

Enough babbling. Really, though, I am just trying to tell you that your wedding can be as simple or as elaborate as you want. Spend time on the things you care about and let the other stuff go - wedding planning shouldn't eat you alive. Your focus is better spent on your upcoming commitment to your significant other. Never forget that, and never forget what the day is truly about.

Have you found yourself caught up in all of the details for the wedding? Have you been able to keep an eye on the bigger picture of marriage throughout your planning? Did you find yourself thinking my wedding isn't good enough like I did? And, on a lighter note, have you been following the whole Kardashian situation? What are your thoughts on their 72 day marriage?

The Name Change Game

First, I wanted to start this post by saying that we women (okay, and I suppose men too) need to give ourselves a big, ol' pat on the back, and we need to raise a glass of something to the women who came before us. Why? Well, because we are at the point (at least in America) where there actually are name change debates, discussions, questions, thoughts, concerns, considerations. 100 years ago, it would have been very rare for an American woman to keep her last name after she was married, and I am incredibly appreciative that it is socially acceptable now for me to either keep my last name or take the last name of Mr. Candy Apple. Or, for him to take mine. Or, for us to merge our names via hyphen. Or, for us to form a completely new last name. There are so many options! It makes my feminist self leap with joy and happiness, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I am so glad I live in a time when we are making such big strides. (And yes, I say strides. Because I don't think we're actually there yet. But, we don't need to get into that right now.) I don't want to make this a post about feminism (what it is, etc. etc.) - I merely want to state my thoughts and feelings on the issue.

Anyway, yes, the Name Change Game (aka NCG). You know the one - lots of Bees have hashed this out before their weddings. I know that for many people this is a touchy subject, causing large amounts of stress, heartbreak, annoyance, grief. I am sure it can also be somewhat of a make-or-break issue in relationships.

To me, the whole NCG mainly boils down to one issue. Yes, I realize there are many things in play when considering the NCG, but for me, it comes down to those words of the wise Jean Valjean:

{Breathe Pro Font, via My Fonts}

Yes - for some reason, the whole NCG always, always conjures up the lyrics to one of my fave songs from Les Misérables (Let's be honest. They're ALL my fave songs). Particularly this part:

Who am I?
Can I conceal myself for evermore?
Pretend I'm not the man I was before?
And must my name until I die
Be no more than an alibi?
Must I lie?

{Who Am I? from Les Miserables}
 

Ahh, so good. Okay, now that I've gotten that song stuck in your head, let's move on, shall we?

When I was younger and just discovering what it means to be a feminist, I was convinced that I would keep my last name when I got married. Why the hell should I give up that piece of me, something that has been a part of me for my entire life, for a man? Something that has gone on the backs of mountains of sports jerseys and sweatshirts, something that has been used on countless documents, something that has been signed millions of times. Something that is so integral to my life, and my identity. Why should that be thrown away for some guy? If I take his last name, it will be like I am giving up a part of myself, will it not? And why should I ever sacrifice myself, as a woman, for a man? That is what people did back in the day when they bound their feet and wore whale-bone corsets. I don't want to feel like my name is a lie for the rest of my life, and I don't want to revert to old-fashioned habits that perpetuate the ideas of a woman as a man's property.

Over time, though, I have come to realize that feminism isn't necessarily about asserting your needs and wants, and eschewing all tradition. In fact, to me, feminism is consciously making these choices for ourselves. Because, well, we now have these choices. We can make these decisions ourselves!

I still do think changing my name is like giving up a part of myself. But, isn't that part of what marriage is about? Two becoming one? Giving of yourself completely to the other person? I realize this doesn't mean "you lose all of your identity when you get married." However, I do think it means that, from that day forward, the couple is bound in a way that you weren't before, in a new and sacred union.

Also, let's be frank - my last name is one of the most common last names in America. Mr. CA's last name is another common last name. It will be like I am exchanging "Johnson" for "Brown." Although I am attached to my last name (I mean, duh, I've been saying "Hi, I'm Miss Candy Apple" my entire life), my first and middle names are the gifts that I really cherish from my parents. They are so unique, and such a part of me and my identity, that replacing one generic last name for another hopefully won't be too big of an issue. I am carrying over two names into this marriage, and I love those two names. And that is enough for me. If I had a more unique last name, I probably would make more of a stand on this issue.

Another thing? I want to have the same name as my children, and I want us to be seen as a family unit. It sounds sappy, but I want us to be known as "the Apple clan." Yes, I realize Mr. CA could take my name, or we could hyphenate our names. Mr. CA is fairly traditional, though, and has stronger opinions on the NCG than I do. He wanted to keep his last name, and hinted that he would like me to take his name. He of course would never, ever demand that I take his name, but I know that it would mean a lot to him if I did. I suppose in theory I would like to keep my name, simply because I am so used to it being what it is, but not if it means having a different name than my children, or Mr. CA.

Lastly, I do not work in a field where it would be an issue to change my name (for example, I know many people with Ph.D.'s, and law and medical degrees frequently do not want to change their names). Just wanted to throw that out there.

So, I will be taking Mr. CA's last name after we get married.

In considering all of the above factors (and many more), this seems like the best decision for me, and for us as a family. Honestly, it was not as big of a soul-searching issue as I thought it would be. I didn't cry about it, I haven't freaked out over an identity crisis. I simply asked myself: Who am I? Will that change if I change my last name? How will I feel introducing myself as Mrs. Apple? Do I feel like I am being subservient to Mr. CA in changing my name? All responses and emotions and thoughts pointed to changing my last name. And I am at peace with this decision.

(Although we'll see once I actually have to legally change my name on everything!)

Do I feel like a bad feminist for taking Mr. CA's name? A little, which is totally ridiculous! I shouldn't, because I am making this choice for myself. It IS my name, after all! So it is my decision.

I realize that the NCG is so difficult for many people, and can be confusing, and emotionally-charged. Let it be; it's a big deal! It is your name! The answer doesn't have to come to you immediately. Just make sure you are thinking everything through, discussing things with your partner, and not simply going with the flow because it is how things are traditionally done. Do what is right for you.

 Did your ideas and thoughts about the Name Change Game shift over time?

Are you changing/ did you change your last name? If so, how are you coping/ dealing with the change? Was the process lengthy and difficult? (I'm scared of all the paperwork!) 

If you aren't going to/ didn't change your last name, how did your spouse feel about that? Did you feel somewhat ambivalent about the whole thing process?

Did your spouse change his last name? Did you hyphenate? Create totally new last names? I want to hear about it!

It's Tradition

Growing up, I always loved Thanksgiving. Our family is large, boisterous, and amazing, and I have tons of cousins close to my age, so gatherings were always fun and something to which I looked forward. Looking back, though, I actually haven't been home for Thanksgiving since Sophomore year in college. That seems crazy to me!

In my recent post, I talked about new practices that Mr. Candy Apple and I were hoping to implement as we started our new family. With this upcoming marriage, not only are we rethinking certain traditions, but we are needing to rethink holidays as well. Who knew that one thing I love about Mr. Candy Apple - how close he is with his family - would come back to bite me in the butt?? We both are very family-oriented people, and we love going home for the holidays. So, it's going to be tough having to start the whole every-other-year thing for Christmas. Since we live on the East Coast, and both of our families are on the West Coast, it makes it holidays even more difficult! And my parents are divorced, too, which just adds a whole other level of difficulty!

One thing that we have started doing is celebrating Thanksgiving together. When we first moved to Cambridge, MA, we decided to just stay there for Thanksgiving, rather than going home. I can't remember, but I think this was probably based on a combination of finances (ie the lack thereof) and time (again, too little time off). Over the following years, Thanksgiving has sort of became 'our thing.' I love it! We cook way too much food for the two of us (yay, leftovers!) and drink copious amounts of wine. Mr. Candy Apple's last year in law school, we made an entire small turkey. Yes. It was fabulous.

After dinner, we have also started the tradition of our after-Thanksgiving walk. Basically, we just wandered around the beautiful neighborhoods in Cambridge, looking at all of the massive, gorgeous houses, and picking out the ones that we would want to live in. It sounds corny, but it was nice being able to just meander around, not having anywhere to go, and walk off some of the calories that we ate. Then, we would go home and have huge slices of pumpkin pie. I love this new tradition.

This past year, we actually spent Thanksgiving with Mr. Candy Apple's family in Palm Springs. I had so much fun, but I actually missed our quiet little Thanksgivings. I imagine that Christmas will get pretty tricky once we get married, particularly when we have children. But, I am really looking forward to continuing this tradition of Thanksgiving with Mr. Candy Apple. Just us. Sometimes, you just need to take time during the holidays for the two of you! (Okay, and maybe some friends)

What sorts of conversations have you had with your significant other/ fiance/ husband about holidays? What traditions are you hoping to start as your lives merge? Do you celebrate holidays with families, or just the two of you?

Saying Grace

A few weekends ago, Mr. Candy Apple and I went to our Pre-Cana. We are now officially able to get married in the Church! For those of you who don't know, Pre-Cana is the required marriage prep course for all couples getting married in the Catholic Church. Some programs are an entire weekend; ours was Saturday from 2pm to 10pm. In all honesty, I kind of wish we had done the full-weekend version!

I actually really enjoyed the program, but Mr. Candy Apple said he didn't get much out of it. We were separated into small groups (about 6 couples to a group), and each group included a host couple. Essentially, there were lots of presentations by the host couples - men and women who are married (some for over 35 years), and were volunteering to share their experiences with us. It was really nice to hear from these people, and listen to what helps keep their relationships strong. It sort of reminds me of the "After I Do" series! You get to hear about what marriage is really like.

There were also lots of exercises that we did - individually, as couples, and as a group. I liked these, because they asked the big questions about marriage, and helped get us thinking about how our lives will change when we are married, when we have kids, etc. Fun stuff to think about!

{Photograph by Rudolf Eickemeyer, via Library of Congress}

One question that came up was the idea of traditions and practices. What traditions do our families have? What do we want to bring into our new family? A lot of the host families talked about how they integrated their old traditions and practices into their new families, particularly when they started having children, and what new traditions they have started.

 {Chromolithograph by Herman Bencke, via Library of Congress}

Mr. Candy Apple and I used to sit down at the table every night together for dinner, but recently, we've taken to eating in front of the TV. Together, still, but it is definitely not the sort of focused together-ness that we had before.

Since Pre-Cana, we've decided to start eating at the table again, saying Grace before the meal and talking about our highs and lows from the day. I think dinner is a good time to slow down, focus on the day, the meal, each other, and it will be a great thing to carry on once we have children. I really like thinking about how we will continue doing this when we start a family, and how it will bring us all closer together.

{Photograph by Jack Delano, via Library of Congress}

What practices are you hoping to bring into your marriage? Any faith-based or spiritual practices that you would like to continue? That you are hoping to start? What did you think of your Pre-Cana/ marriage prep class(es)?

.magical land.

.switzerland, that is.

round two of blogging about the best trip ever! get ready for a long post. lots of pictures coming your way! from the day after the proposal (yay!). interlaken, trip up the funicular to harder kulm, train ride to bern. baby bears. a fiance. it was a good day.

view from our hotel room, looking out towards thuner see

thuner see

me from the hotel room

alpine water! and fiance! yay!

brienzer see, from harder kulm. we had to take a funicular up a beautiful steep, high mountain. it was awesome

thunder see, from harder kulm

my amazing fiance. isn't he cute?

train ride from interlaken to bern

there were some crazy, fantastic statues at the top of fountains all over bern. this one has a man eating his children.

bern clock

bern is so lovely

baby bears in bern!

mmm. fabulous beers by the bears in bern. try saying that one ten times fast

sorry, had to sneak another ring shot in here. even though my hand is dry. and my fingers look like nubbins. i'm just going through ring withdrawls - we had to send it in for resizing.

beautiful bern. love the wisteria

i am the happiest, luckiest girl in the world.

.cheers.

.engaged!.

.j proposed!.

and i, of course, said yes.


we were in switzerland, hiking up above murren, in the alps. it was perfect. and beautiful. this was the bench.

so exciting!!


and, of course, the ring...

yay!!! more pictures of the trip to come.


.cheers.